Icy eyes

I have always wanted to have eyes made of ice.
That way, they would thaw whenever I cried and pour down my cheeks. And it wouldn't be until I get back on my feet and regain my cold stare and icy smile that I could see.

Because it's easier to go blind in sadness and despair.
It's easier to close your molten eyes and wait for a gust of cold reassuring wind.

Unfortunately, my tears are all too transparent and have a tendency of distorting everything in sight. So I watch. And I cry. But mostly I watch - and try to think of icy eyes.

I have this sewn onto my forehead

2011

2011 brought it on, brought it way on.

New Year's party was actually not bad at all, as weren't the 4 hours I managed to sleep during the day since I got none of that during the night.

It might be a good year for us owls.

Lisa Rowe: You know, there's too many buttons in the world. There's too many buttons and they're just - there's way too many just begging to be pressed, they're just begging to be pressed, you know? They're just - they're just begging to be pressed! And it makes me wonder, it really makes me fucking wonder, why doesn't anyone ever press mine? Why am I so neglected? Why doesn't anyone reach in and rip out the truth and tell me that I'm a fucking whore, or that my parents wish I were dead?

Susanna Kaysen: Because you're dead already, Lisa! No one cares if you die, Lisa, because you're dead already. Your heart is cold. That's why you keep coming back here. You're not free. You need this place to feel alive. It's pathetic.

We are

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

- Tyler Durden, Fight Club

Won't you.

No matter how hard I hit, you'll always hit me harder.

Won't you?

--

No matter how many pills I take, I'll never fall asleep.

No matter how many words I read inside my head, I'll never write them down. Not anymore.

No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay, I'll always realize just how much I am not okay.

No matter how many times I cry, new tears will always pour out.

And at the bottom of it all...

No matter how many times I smile, I'll always be chewed up from the inside. And nothing will ever feel right again - ever.

Account

It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely.

Except that I am. And exactly a year ago today, I was not lonely. Not at all. I was as close as I ever was before - to anyone.

But today I am lonely.

I am drinking a bottle of wine by myself.

I am embracing papercuts, bitten-down nails, split-ended hairs and runny mascara. I am embracing the me that wreaks havoc inside my brain. I am embracing cigarette butts inside my chest, I am embracing forgotten moments and meaningless conversations.

I am embracing being normal, I am embracing drawings on bathroom tiles when it gets foggy. I am embracing slips and I am embracing wounds.

I am embracing loneliness and I am embracing freedom. I am embracing myself and I am embracing alienation from the person I think I am. I am embracing the world and leaving myself behind. I am never letting go.

I am never crying again.

I am stronger than anyone else I know.

and weaker than myself