Tuesday, December 28, 2010
No matter how hard I hit, you'll always hit me harder.
No matter how many pills I take, I'll never fall asleep.
No matter how many words I read inside my head, I'll never write them down. Not anymore.
No matter how many times I tell myself that I'm okay, I'll always realize just how much I am not okay.
No matter how many times I cry, new tears will always pour out.
And at the bottom of it all...
No matter how many times I smile, I'll always be chewed up from the inside. And nothing will ever feel right again - ever.
Monday, December 20, 2010
It's 3 a.m., I must be lonely.
Except that I am. And exactly a year ago today, I was not lonely. Not at all. I was as close as I ever was before - to anyone.
But today I am lonely.
I am drinking a bottle of wine by myself.
I am embracing papercuts, bitten-down nails, split-ended hairs and runny mascara. I am embracing the me that wreaks havoc inside my brain. I am embracing cigarette butts inside my chest, I am embracing forgotten moments and meaningless conversations.
I am embracing being normal, I am embracing drawings on bathroom tiles when it gets foggy. I am embracing slips and I am embracing wounds.
I am embracing loneliness and I am embracing freedom. I am embracing myself and I am embracing alienation from the person I think I am. I am embracing the world and leaving myself behind. I am never letting go.
I am never crying again.
I am stronger than anyone else I know.
and weaker than myself